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Knoxville Reported to Have “No-Faux” Zones

Jan 26, 2015 10:26PM, Published by Diana Bogan, Categories: News Mocksville Reporter, Humor



From Mocks News. KNOXVILLE, TN.

 

This is a Mocks News Special Report. In response to Fox News' dubious assertions of Islamic "no-go" enclaves existing in hundreds of European communities – including entire cities, such as Birmingham, England – areas of Knoxville have set up "no-Faux" zones. In these sectors, Fox News' implausible reporting won’t fly.

The areas also are known as “No distortion” districts, "No misrepresentation” precincts and “No bull Shiite/Sunni” zones. They appeared following the broadcast of Fox Terrorism Expert Steve Emerson’s incredible claims of European no-go zones, where non-Muslims don’t travel, after Islamic extremists assassinated 12 staff members of satire magazine “Charlie Hebdo” in Paris, France.

His unsubstantiated report prompted European news media to ridicule Emerson and Fox News, compelled Paris’ mayor to sue Fox News, and moved conservative icon Glen Beck to a weepy defense of pundits’ right to be wrong. Locally, Emerson’s remarks also motivated the establishment of the “no-Faux” zones.

Avon Guard, resident of Knoxville’s Fourth and Goal neighborhood, says she and her neighbors have established one such no-Faux zone.

"As soon as that report aired, I realized what was happening," Guard recalled. "Here was a self-proclaimed ‘news’ organization using the murderous actions of extremists to promote its own goal of division, partisanship and extremism in the United States. I knew I had to do something extreme in response."

That "something extreme," it turned out, was persuading her next-door neighbors to ban Fox News from their homes to, in Guard's words, "staunch the flow of Faux News' poison."

Guard admitted that, because she and her friends never watched Fox News anyway, agreeing to the extreme ban was “relatively easy.”

This no-Faux zone now has almost certainly expanded to encompass all of Fourth and Goal.

As Mocks News Neighborhood Profiling Expert Dee Dee Siever explains, “Everyone in Fourth and Goal is exactly like Avon Guard: an ineffectual, liberal, lesbian, anti-gun, anti-life, pro-tax, atheistic, latte-sipping, ‘Daily Show’-worshipping, federal-money-depending, big-government-defending hippie. Can anyone doubt the entire neighborhood is by now a no-Faux zone?”

Even if Fox News reporters or their followers wanted to enter Fourth and Goal or similar parts of Knoxville, grave challenges would test their will, Siever added.

“The subversive, communist values – like fair play, equality, and enlightened self-interest governed by self-restraint ensuring the common good – so prominently displayed in those areas would almost certainly drive Fox News adherents away,” she said.

Knox Countian Gene Goest confirmed Siever’s supposition. Goest, a virilely heterosexual, god-fearing, bear-swilling, handgun-carrying, anti-tax, anti-government, pro-military, Fox-News-following reactionary, says that Fox News viewers like him won’t go into neighborhoods like Fourth and Goal.

"Hearing that hot Ms. Siever’s report that Fourth and Goal is populated by liberals and non-Christians and gay-sexuals and anti-gunnists and pro-governmenters and women and things, I wouldn’t go there even if I had my arsenal with me," Goest explained. “Progressive fantasy is so seductive, if exposed to it, I might be perverted before I could defend myself.”

Fourth and Goal may not be the only neighborhood Goest and other Knox Countians should avoid. Siever has observed locations all over Knoxville where: guns are not allowed; signs in languages other than English flourish; people with skin color other than white are seen; foreign tongues are heard; and religious symbols that are not Christian are allowed. Plus, a woman holds the highest political office there.

None of these characteristics is compatible with Fox News, demonstrating that Knoxville as a whole must be a no-Faux zone.

That’s bad news for Knox Countians, all of whom Siever describes as being exactly like Gene Goest. That means, presumably, all of Knoxville is a no-go zone for county folk.

Correspondingly, Knox County must be a no-go zone for city folk. As Siever explains, the oppressive, fascist values predominant in the county – like self-reliance, thrift, and open competition in the free market determining winners and losers – would repel Avon Guard’s city ilk.

Thus, based on Siever’s observations and the testimony of Guard and Goest, it appears no one around here goes anywhere where everyone isn’t exactly like they are.

This concludes this Mocks News Special Report, which should reinforce whatever you are predisposed to believe anyway.

Remember, we report. You believe. It’s how we get away with what we do.

— Scott McNutt, Mocksville Reporter



Hard Knox Independent Humor Scott McNutt Mocksville Reporter


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