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Hard Knox

Upcoming Presidential Visit Upsets Pretty Much Everyone

Jan 07, 2015 12:53AM, Published by Diana Bogan, Categories: News Mocksville Reporter, Humor



President Barack Obama will visit an East Tennessee community college and business Friday to launch an important 2015 political initiative. Details of the initiative are closely guarded, but the president is expected to tout some program or another that he wants the American people to support.After the president’s announcement, nationally, some critics will say he has no authority to do it and therefore should not attempt it, while others will say if he's going to do it, he shouldn't do it halfway. Yet another set of critics will say that, whatever it is, someone else has already done something like it, so Mr. Obama should receive no credit for jumping on its bandwagon now.A fourth group of people will then say that they wish the other three groups would just go away, and the president, too, for good measure.

A fifth group will add that sending only the critics and the president away is insufficient and that both houses of Congress should likewise hit the road, and good riddance.

The first three groups in turn will observe that the last two groups are what’s wrong with America today, to which those groups will retort that extreme partisan politics is what’s wrong with the country. A sixth group will then tell everyone to shut the hell up. From there, things will deteriorate.

For his part, regarding the trip Mr. Obama would say only, "Whatever it is I'm going to be in the area to promote, I promise you that I won't promise you that if you already have one and like it, you can keep it."

Vice President Joe Biden, who will accompany Mr. Obama on the excursion, added something, but he garbled his statement, which a few observers laughed at, but most just ignored.

At publication time, the president's East Tennessee itinerary was still mostly shrouded in secrecy, but some aspects of the visit are familiar:

•    TV news stations will breathlessly report every newly revealed detail of the president’s schedule. However, after the president leaves, they will gloss over the substance of whatever it is he showed up to talk about.

•    State GOP lawmakers will happily compare the president's struggles to rescue the American Dream from the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression to their successful efforts to transform Tennessee into a no-income-tax, high-sales-tax, anti-poor-people, pro-business-and-wealthy-people fantasy.

•    Other state legislators will use the occasion to attack TN Gov. Bill Haslam’s proposed “Insure Tennessee” plan, which would use federal Medicaid expansion money to fund health care insurance vouchers for poor Tennesseans, because these lawmakers believe OMG, OBAMACARE IS SOCIALISM!!!

•    At least one state politician will expose his scientific illiteracy by conflating climate with weather to make what he believes is a clever quip contrasting the president’s concerns over "global warming" with the cold snap afflicting much of the country.

•    Droves of anonymous online commentators will take the opportunity to monotonously repeat Mr. Obama’s middle name, “Hussein,” as if doing so proves something.

•    Dozens of protesters on the political left will show up to call out the president for warmongering, coddling the previous administration despite its interrogatory war crimes, enabling the military-industrial complex, cozying up to Wall Street, failing to establish a single-payer health care insurance model, and, generally speaking, for not being the miracle-worker they imagined him to be.

•    Hundreds of protesters on the right will turn out to take their stand against Mr. Obama for being soft on terrorism, making America look weak by discontinuing the previous administration’s successful interrogation techniques, being anti-business, imposing socialism on the U.S., and, more or less, for being the person that he is.

•    The three local people still in the political middle, who appreciate record-setting stock market highs, unemployment returning to normal levels, a booming economy, millions more Americans having health care insurance, and the end of U.S. military actions in the Middle East that cost thousands of American lives and billions of dollars, will probably stay home.

•    And the vast, indifferent majority of East Tennesseans, unaware of the president’s local PR outing, will be miffed, too, because their commutes are disrupted by traffic blockages related to security measures surrounding the event.

Yet, despite most people being apathetic about the presidential visit, some of us still pointlessly dissect it. Go figure.

— Scott McNutt, Mocksville Reporter



Humor Mocksville Reporter


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